i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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