My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
