mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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