i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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