Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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