Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
