he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
