It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
