not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
