i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
