Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
