Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
