Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
