I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
