remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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