I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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