I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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