My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
