Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
someone owes me an orgasm
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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