I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize