I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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