I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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