Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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