Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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