Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
