You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
