My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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