it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
