Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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