someone threw a dead crab at me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
