I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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