there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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