dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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