So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
