I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize