I think im going to throw up on grandma
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
