Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
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