Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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