My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
