When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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