i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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