birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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