Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
