If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
