i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
