soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
