why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
