dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
