I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
