Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
