im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
