News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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