my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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