Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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