I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
