We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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