I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
