I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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