I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
