Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
