i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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