bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
