I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
